A Diary to My Babies: Journeying through Pregnancy Loss





Price: $34.95

Page Count: 280

Publication Date: February 2023

ISBN: 978-1-77258-423-3

A six-year journey: six losses and three beautiful angels. After losing her son Jude in August 2020, a spark was ignited in Carmen Grover as she read through every diary that she kept for each of her babies. Rather than have them remain stacked under her bed, Carmen decided that her journals would make a difference. The result has been an honest and poignant compilation of the ups and downs of Carmen’s experience with pregnancy loss, from rolling in the grass and convulsing on the kitchen floor in her cycle of grief, to seeing the strength she could gain in the signs and special moments all around her. A Diary to My Babies: Journeying Through Pregnancy Loss shines a light on the darkness of pregnancy loss, while also showing there is no right way to grieve. And through her incredible journey, Carmen hopes the story of her family and her babies just might help others to heal.

What a privilege it has been to walk alongside Carmen as she has mourned the loss of her treasured babies and remarkably, found the courage and resilience to build a beautiful family from the ashes of sorrow and disappointment. Carmen has captured the raw, unavoidable emotions of pregnancy loss and chosen to share her valuable insights and wisdom with the community of grieving Moms who struggle to find meaning in surviving one of the most profound and devastating of losses, the loss of a wanted pregnancy. With dreams and memories of her cherished babies, Carmen chronicles her journey of healing and carrying on, providing hope and inspiration to other women who struggle with pregnancy loss. Thank-you Carmen for sharing your lived experiences and challenging others to better understand the complex journey you continue to walk.

- Janice Gorodzinsky, MSW RSW

Thank you for the opportunity to read A Diary to My Babies. I feel honoured that you have shared your personal journey with me. You have written a moving, raw, and honest book about the often-unspoken world of pregnancy and infant loss. You have an easy-to-read writing style, and you have taken great care to remain real and true to yourself throughout every single journal entry. There is no filter or mask hiding the pain and ongoing struggles that you dealt with, and this undoubtedly will resonate with readers of all backgrounds. It certainly did for me. I imagine that you will be helping many readers wade through those feelings of utter despair and isolation that unfortunately come with the territory of miscarrying or losing a child. By sharing your story, you are the movement that you wish to create.

- Melissa McCoubrey, Editor

A story grounded in hope, A Diary to My Babies invites the reader into the circuitous complexities of grief with poignant insight. Both relatable and inspiring, this book is bound to bring comfort to the families who need it most.

- Jessica Zucker, Ph.D., author of I HAD A MISCARRAGE

Part 1: Dreaming of Flight 10
Before Kids 11
Babe #1 Amity Ella Lynn Grover 15
Babe #2 Will Grover 24
Part 2: Finding My Wings 30
Babe #3 Kaia Belle Grover 31
A Tribute to Baby Kaia 36
Babe #4 Chemical Pregnancy 53
Part 3: Learning to Fly 62
Babe #5 Case Emerson Grover 63
Case Emerson Grover’s Birth Story 78
A Tribute to Baby Case 83
Babe # 6 Maelie Lynn Grover 87
Reflections on Loss and Other Things to My Kaia 94
Maelie Lynn Grover’s Birth Story 99
A Tribute to Baby Maelie 104
Babe # 7 Miscarriage 107
Part 4: Falling 127
Babe #8 Jude Simba Joy Grover 128
A Tribute to Baby Jude 158
Part 5: Floating 174
Unknown Territory 175
Part 6: Soaring 216
Finding Meaning 217
Part 7: Landing 235
Babe #9 Hope 236
Ayda Catherine Grover’s Birth Story 279
Afterword 292
Changing the Script 294
Acknowledgments 295
Sources 296

Carmen Grover is a mother, nurse, yogi, farmer, and journal-keeper turned writer. She lives for her family, adventure, spiritual moments, and lakes. Carmen has chronicled one of her biggest adventures—that of growing her family—through the diaries she wrote to each of her babies. She is passionate about sharing her voice and comforting other families who have been down the difficult road of pregnancy loss, and feels that she has found her purpose, one given to her by all her babies. Carmen currently resides in Ontario, Canada with her husband and three children.